Well Turkey Day is now behind us, and it’s now officially Winter (at least as far as I’m concerned) and the Holiday Season’s upon us once again. As 2010 winds down my thoughts turn to Christmas, Santa and the coming New Year, I can’t help thinking of all the craziness going on with many of our beloved/hated celebrities this year.
I mean, sure there’s Lebron, Tiger, Chad Ochocinco, Kanye, Jessica Simpson and of course LiLo (who’s been keeping a surprisingly low profile lately, for a change) but I’m not here to talk about any of them–No, I’m talking about Randy Quaid and his gal pal/significant other, Evi. Now many of you might say, “Who the heck are they anyway?” and even if you do know who they are, you may say “Why would I be interested in the goings on of a more-or-less washed up B-Lister and his crazygirl wife anyway? To which I’d reply “Star Whackers, of course”.
Apparently there’s a new type of conspiracy theory going in Hollywood these days, and it’s all about ripping off, discrediting and then “whacking” celebrities, for personal gain. (I guess the rationale is that in a tough economy, it’s become something a cottage industry or something like that…) The reason that I’m bringing it up is that according to Randy and his wife, it’s become so organized and pervasive that they’ve had to flee to of all places, Canada in order to escape persecution and perhaps even death.
The pair has apparently applied for asylum in Canada, and has even gone so far as to allege that notables such as Heath Ledger, David Carradine and Chris Penn were all victims of this insidious plot, and that Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson might be next. Now I know that you’re probably thinking something like “Whew, someone’s been ridin’ the Crazy Train again and forgotten how to get off” or something to that effect…But wait, I tell you–there may be something to this after all. I mean for one, why would anyone emigrate to Canada from the US unless they were really in fear for their lives? (Or perhaps trying to avoid paying millions in income tax…)
It might be true that they don’t call Los Angeles “Lalaland” for nothing, but it seems to me that no self-respecting minor celeb would leave the protective, insulated environment that SoCal provides to even the flakiest of the flakes without good reason. And so gentle readers, I think that the Quaid’s accusations need to be looked at with something more than the obligatory brush-off that we’d normally be inclined to dismiss virtually anything that they might tend to come up with…
In other words, WHAT IF IT’S REALLY TRUE? Oh sure, there are probably more than just one or two people out there that’d like to “drop a hammer” on both Mel and Charlie, but what does this hidden power structure possibly have against Randy and Evi? I mean, what could the star of such movies as Caddyshack 2, Midnight Express and Vegas Vacation possibly have done to make these shadowy hooligans want to take him out with extreme predjudice? Good ole’ American greed, according to Randy–apparently shadowy gangsters have taken his money, and now want him dead in order to conceal their crimes.
A bit farfetched perhaps, but I still have to admit that it’s at least somewhat plausible–I mean the guys been in over 30 films since his career began in the mid-seventies, and there’s just NO POSSIBLE WAY that he could’ve snorted all of that loot up his tooter! (If he were someone else, say Al Pacino, Michael Douglas or even his brother Dennis, then I might believe it, but fortunately for them they can all afford it…)
Anway kids, the point here is, and if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE PARANOID DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE NOT AFTER YOU!!!
So keep your eyes and ears open, watch your backs and stay tuned for more developments in this bizzare conspiracy, and if more of your Hollywood heroes start dissappearing mysteriously, don’t say we didn’t warn you!!!
Your friend and Mayor of Margaritaville