Ditch Your Cell Phone and Run to the Great White North–[StarWhacker Edition]

Hola Kids,

Well Turkey Day is now behind us, and it’s now officially Winter (at least as far as I’m concerned) and the Holiday Season’s upon us once again.  As 2010 winds down my thoughts turn to Christmas, Santa and the coming New Year,  I can’t help thinking of all the craziness going on with many of our beloved/hated celebrities this year. 

I mean, sure there’s Lebron, Tiger, Chad Ochocinco, Kanye, Jessica Simpson and of course LiLo (who’s been keeping a surprisingly low profile lately, for a change) but I’m not here to talk about any of them–No, I’m talking about Randy Quaid and his gal pal/significant other, Evi.  Now many of you might say, “Who the heck are they anyway?” and even if you do know who they are, you may say “Why would I be interested in the goings on of a more-or-less washed up B-Lister and his crazygirl wife anyway?  To which I’d reply “Star Whackers, of course”. 

Apparently there’s a new type of conspiracy theory going in Hollywood these days, and it’s all about ripping off, discrediting and then “whacking” celebrities, for personal gain.  (I guess the rationale is that in a tough economy, it’s become something a cottage industry or something like that…)  The reason that I’m bringing it up is that according to Randy and his wife, it’s become so organized and pervasive that they’ve had to flee to of all places, Canada in order to escape persecution and perhaps even death. 

The pair has apparently applied for asylum in Canada, and has even gone so far as to allege that notables such as Heath Ledger, David Carradine and Chris Penn were all victims of this insidious plot, and that Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson might be next.  Now I know that you’re probably thinking something like “Whew, someone’s been ridin’ the Crazy Train again and forgotten how to get off” or something to that effect…But wait, I tell you–there may be something to this after all.  I mean for one, why would anyone emigrate to Canada from the US unless they were really in fear for their lives? (Or perhaps trying to avoid paying millions in income tax…)

It might be true that they don’t call Los Angeles “Lalaland” for nothing, but it seems to me that no self-respecting minor celeb would leave the protective, insulated environment that SoCal provides to even the flakiest of the flakes without good reason.  And so gentle readers, I think that the Quaid’s accusations need to be looked at with something more than the obligatory brush-off that we’d normally be inclined to dismiss virtually anything that they might tend to come up with…

In other words, WHAT IF IT’S REALLY TRUE?  Oh sure, there are probably more than just one or two people out there that’d like to “drop a hammer” on both Mel and Charlie, but what does this hidden power structure possibly have against Randy and Evi?  I mean, what could the star of such movies as Caddyshack 2, Midnight Express and Vegas Vacation possibly have done to make these shadowy hooligans want to take him out with extreme predjudice?  Good ole’ American greed, according to Randy–apparently shadowy gangsters have taken his money, and now want him dead in order to conceal their crimes. 

A bit farfetched perhaps, but I still have to admit that it’s at least somewhat plausible–I mean the guys been in over 30 films since his career began in the mid-seventies, and there’s just NO POSSIBLE WAY that he could’ve snorted all of that loot up his tooter!  (If he were someone else, say Al Pacino, Michael Douglas or even his brother Dennis, then I might believe it, but fortunately for them they can all afford it…)

Anway kids, the point here is, and if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE PARANOID DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE NOT AFTER YOU!!!

So keep your eyes and ears open, watch your backs and stay tuned for more developments in this bizzare conspiracy, and if more of your Hollywood heroes start dissappearing mysteriously, don’t say we didn’t warn you!!!

Cheers,

Jose’

Your friend and Mayor of Margaritaville

Ditch Your Cell Phone (and your contraband) and Run, [Celebrity Smackdown Edition]

Hola Kids,

Long time no hablamos, verdad?  Now that Fall’s finally arrived and you’re all probably back in school,–at least those of you who can afford it…You’re not missing anything out here in the “real world” believe me! 

Anyway, soon the temperature will fall, the leaves change color etc. and it may be a good time to sit and reflect about the many changes going on all around us in the last year…Now you know gentle reader, that from time to time in the blog we like to mention famous celebrities, i.e. Lady Gaga, Mel Gibson, the Sta-Puffed Mashmallow Man, etc. and this time is no different–Frankly I’m more than a little alarmed at the rate at which the current crop of celebrities seems to be coming into increasing conflict with the law…

Perhaps it’s just me, but one of the biggest changes that I’ve noticed is the fact that literally a ton of them have been out there getting busted for substance abuse-related issues lately.  I mean, sure celebrities have always been known for “partying like a rock star” etc. but relatively few of them ever made the news for it on what seems like a weekly basis, and even fewer actually got locked up for it, am I right?

Oh sure, we all know that Billy Joel crashes into something out in the Hamptons every once-in-a-while, and there was that thing with Paul McCartney getting jacked up at the airport in Japan with a couple of doobies in his coat pocket or something like that, and then there was the whole Bobby Brown/Whitney Houston thing…But in general most of our beloved celebrities would continue partying in relative anonymity until eventually someone would leak to one of the tabloids that “So-and-So’s in or out of rehab” etc. and then we’d all seem surprised to hear it. 

Heck, some of them would even use it as a publicity stunt to focus attention on their fading careers, and go on Oprah telling tales of “drunkenness and cruelty” in order to garner some sympathy from their not-so-adoring public–At least until recently that is…

Now it seems like every day someone’s getting “popped” for something–look at Buju Banton, Paris Hilton, Lilo, George Michael and even Bob Marley’s son–(if there’s anyone on the planet who should have a get-out-of-jail-free card for smoking ganja, it’s him.)  I mean, it’s getting so that no self-respecting celebrity, A-list or not, can walk down the street with a couple of keys in the old backpack, handbag or whatever without running afoul of the Man and getting treated like a common criminal…It’s disgracefull I tell you! 

We’ve come a long way in the last few years, to be sure–Now instead of locking up potheads in concentration-camp like re-education centers in (as during the Regan/Bush era) growers in CA are joining the Teamsters union!  So what gives?  I mean, we all know the negative effect that drugs can have on people’s lives, etc. (Jose’s advice–Just Say No Kids) but the people we’re talking about are weathy celebrities with fame, power etc.  –A priviledged class that’s traditionally been given a “pass” on virtually every type of outrageous behavior that would land most of us in major hot water! 

In fact, one could argue that we as a society practically force this type of extreme behavior on our celebrities, and actually derive some type of vicarious pleasure from their antics and in watching them implode/self destruct, so what’s the deal?  Sure, there are some extreme cases, i.e. the grand-a-day smack habits, (think Tommy Lee, Axel Rose, etc.) but as the former Croc Hunter would say, “Crickey” –if we start looking at all of these people too closely they’re going to all wind up incarcerated, and I don’t think any of us wants that…We’d have to build new resort-like prisons just to house them all, and the cost to society would be staggering–not to mention watching reruns 24/7!!!

Forget Wall Street meltdowns and trillion-dollar deficits, the entire world financial system would be brought to it’s knees almost instantly.   Mr. Obama, I beseech you, implore you, no flat-out beg you–STOP INCARCERATING OUR CELEBRITIES!!!  If anyone’s earned the right to be f***ups it’s them, so please, for the good of all mankind let them be…Now if you want to organize them as part of a USO tour and send them all to Afghanistan etc. to bring some much needed brightness to a dark place, then I think I could get behind an idea like that…Let your dim light shine!

Your friend and humble servant,

Jose’ Cuervo

Mayor of Margaritaville

P.S. Anyone who can make it to the Dave & Buster’s at the Palisades Mall by 8PM I’ll buy the first round–Cheers!

Ditch Your Cell Phone–[iPhone4 "Thug" Edition]

Yo Kids,

Hope you’re all havin’ a great summer out there so far–at least the 4 or 5 of you who read this blog…Anyway, I was thinking recently about the whole iPhone4 vs. ‘Droid vs. Blackberry situation and what a mess it is, and here’s what I’ve come up with–Enjoy!

Now we all know the various pros and cons of each of these devices by now, and it seems to me that one of the big problems is that there’s really no clearcut winner.  The Blackberry’s “trusty and reliable” and great for talking on the phone, but lacks the apps and to many other bells and whistles to be a truly exciting product at this point, while the iPhone 4 is just the opposite–it’s “sexy all over” except when you actually want to make a call that is….

Enter the ‘Droid–powered by Google and driven by “apps” (albeit limited in number compared to the iPhone at this point) it appears to be a solid compromise between the other two main competitors, and to be sure sales are surging as a result.  My point is that in order to keep the public interested and sales up, these companies should have to do a bit more than just run negative propaganda campaigns in the media that essentially amount to “Buy our phone, it doesn’t suck as much as the competition” etc, etc.

What does it take to overcome this most heinous market quandary?  –A combination of technical innovation, brilliant marketing strategy and stellar product placement…To wit, I’ve come up with the following concept for you (or whomever) to pick up and run with at will –Namely, the iPhone 4 “Thug Edition” !!!

Now this phone is very much like a typical iPhone, except that it’s has a few extra features that are specifically designed to appeal to all of you ganstas, thugs and gansta wannabe’s out there…( a truly niche market that I feel is currently being grossly underserved).  For one thing, the phone’s shape is more like that of a pistol grip, and the front has a loop like you’d find on a set of brass knuckles, just in case mama say “knock you out” if you get what I mean.  The case comes “pre-tagged” with hip-hop style graffiti, and the unit plays the theme from “Hawaii 5-o” every time the cops get within a five-block radius.  Did I mention the swichblade that pops out of the top of the battery compartment yet?  Last but not least, it has to be available from some other carrier than AT&T–if you’re going to choose a life of crime, you definitely need your phone to actually work!

Anyway kids, you get the idea here–creativity, niche marketing and ingenious product placement are the wave of the future, not hiring a bunch of bloggers to mount a negative “crybaby” campaign saying that “my phone’s better because I’m smarter and more popular than everybody else” etc, etc. –Get a few of these things in the hands of Jay-Z, Eminem, Fiddy Cent, Puff Daddy/P-Diddy/just plain “Diddy”, etc. and watch it take off like the Starship Enterprise.   Obviously, this same logic could be applied to other niche markets as well, i.e. the ‘Droid “Gleek Edition” that plays excusively pop and disco music and keeps tabs on all the B-list celbrities for you, or the Blackberry “Twilight Edition” for all of you teenage gothmeisters out there…the possibilities are truly endless, I tell you…

Think $261.00 per share’s too much to pay for Apple stock?  I’m telling you the sky’s the limit, literally and let the crybaby competition beware….Cheers!

Your friend and humble servant,

Jose’

Mayor of Margaritaville

Ditch Your Cell Phone and Kiss It All Goodbye–[Mad Max Meltdown Edition]

Aka–How Mel Gibson’s apparent breakdown, the Canadian power trio Rush, the Mayan Civilization and the so-called “End of the World As We Know It” might all be connected….

Hello again kids, and welcome to another edition of the blog–it seems as though the majority of you are very interested in the [Mayan Calendar Edition] piece that I did a few weeks back, and now it’s starting to get some real hits…As a result, I’ve decided to do a bit more research into the subject, and here’s what I’ve been able to come up with so far–Enjoy!

I was reading another blog earlier today, called “2012 blog” or something like that…It’s apparently written by a guy who believes that the old REM song (and one of my favorites), “End of the World As We Know It” is coming to fruition sooner than most of us probably think–Or to be more specific, on December 21st, 2012 at roughly 11:11pm.  (Side note: this date translates to 12/21/12–and “2112″ is one of my favorite Rush albums of all time…)  How’s that for being definitive, I ask you?

Anyway, as one might expect the whole thing tends to get a bit complicated, so I’ll try to break it down for you as succinctly as is possible under the circumstances, k?  So here it goes…The Mayan calendar is quite complex and is apparently designed as a set of “wheels” if you will, that mesh together kind of like the gears in a machine.  What academicians call the “Long Count” calendar (the one in question here) is essentially an astronomic clock with a period of roughly twenty-six thousand years or so…

Now the idea that ancient civilizations such as the Mayans were interested in time periods of this nature is pretty amazing in and of itself, however some scholars have determined that this figure also seems to correlate nicely with a phenomenon known as the “Precession of the Equinoxes” as well.  The word “precession” refers to the the fact that as the Earth spins on it’s axis it tends to have a very slight “wobble” that’s due to factors like gravity, the shape of the earth, entropy etc.  Thusly, the north pole of the Earth currently tends to point towards Polaris, the “North Star” however the exact direction of the focus of the pole will change over time.  Furthermore, ancient civilizations that had an interest in monitoring the heavens as accurately as possible (like the Mayans) could’ve been aware of this phenomenon, due to the fact that over time it changes the relative positions of the stars in the sky perceptibly.

“So What?” you may ask, “Why does any of this matter to me, and what does it have to do with Mel Gibson?” –Well, I’m getting to that part now gentle readers.  Truthfully, not much, but you see gentle readers, it seems that the blogger in question has been able to establish the following links between our wayward hero Mel and for lack of a more suitable term, “The Apocalypse” –There, I said it–As you may well know, Mel produced a 2006 movie called “Apocalypto” that dealt with modern day bush people in South America that were decendants of the Mayan civilization.  Also, Mel’s first big role, “Mad Max” is an apocalyptic character–a bit of a stretch I know, but nevertheless….

Also, don’t forget Mel’s 1997 movie “Conspiracy Theory” where Mel plays a slightly schizo and perhaps even psycotic (not to mention paranoid) wacko who thinks that Capt. Jean-Luc Picard from the starship Enterprise is out to get him–like the song says, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not AFTER YOU…”   Now do you get it–kina eerie, huh kids?

Now the blogger in question (who shall remain nameless) postulates that a celebrity of Mel’s stature, with all of his Hollywood insider connections and money, etc. is bound to know a lot more about what’s really going on in the world than the rest of us, and that his recent meltdown is really just a symptom brought on by the stress of carrying the weight of the knowledge of the coming apocalypse on his shoulders, like so many of the heroes that he’s portrayed….Well, Duh!!!  I mean, how would you feel if you were in his shoes–Don’t you think that you might be tempted to have a little argument with your GF/BF or whatever, and possibly make some unintended felonious threats?  I’ll bet you do…

Anyway gentle reader, I’m no apologist for Mel or his misogynistic and/or anti-semitic tendencies, and I’m certainly not suggesting that any of this is even plausible, however I do have to say that I like this explanation far more than Whoopi’s, Britney’s , Oprah’s or anyone else’s explanation of Mel’s nonsensical, jackass-like behavior (at least that I’ve heard so far) and that’s why I wanted to share it with you, my friends!

Just in case you’re worried about it, it seems that there’s much controversy over exactly what (if anything) might actually happen on December 21st, 2012 and why the Mayan’s themselves appear to have been so interested in the date.  Some say that it just marks the end of one cycle of their calendar and the beginning of a new one, and that nothing will happen.  Some say that it’s the beginning of an unprecedented period of peace and harmony, etc. in the universe–Sort of a “Dawning of the Age of Aquarius” type of thing, like in the movie “Hair” while others are suggesting that something much more sinister is afoot here.  Everything from unknown comets on a possible collision course with the Earth, to increased sunspot activity/solar flares, to the actual flip-flop of the Earth’s magnetic poles.

At least one guy that I’ve read is even suggesting that it will essentially amount to “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (a great Sci-Fi flick from 1951 with a dubious 2009 remake starring Keanu Reeves) type of thing, where increased solar flare activity might cause the Earth’s magnetic poles to reverse, and in so doing possibly cause the Earth to begin rotating in the opposite direction–extremely bad for a variety of reasons that I won’t go into in detail here kids…Suffice to say that the Earth apparently acts somewhat like a giant battery that runs down over a long period of time–let’s say, oh I don’t know, about every 26,000 years or so, and that it might be necessary for this to happen in order for the Earth to regenerate it’s magnetic field, etc. etc. yada yada yada…

Apparently scientists don’t have a completely clear understanding of how the whole thing actually works, suffice to say that one of the main features of the Earth’s EM field is that along with the atmosphere, it protects all living things from deadly radiation, etc. and is apparently crucial to the survival of life on Earth.  While there is some evidence to suggest that the Earth’s magnetic poles may have shifted/moved to the equatorial regions in the past, there’s no hard evidence to suggest exactly what the ramifications may be.  It could be as simple as causing a global change in climate and weather patterns, or perhaps much worse…Can anyone say, “Mass Extinction?”

The only reason that I’m bringing it up is that there may actually be a positive side to it all–If the New Age people are right and it ushers in a new era of peace and prosperity, then so be it!  If it turns out to be the harbinger of the Apocalypse, then either way our problems (and Mel’s) are solved!  (A bit of wisdom courtesy of Mr. Miyagi-san)  The point is kids, keep your chin up, eyes open and party like it’s “1999″ and if the end does come thirteen years or so behind schedule, DON’T BLAME THE MAYANS!!!

Cheers,

Your friend and Mayor of Margaritaville,

Jose’

Ditch Your Cell Phone and Recycle–[Your Trash Ain't Nothin' But Cash Edition]

Hi to Everyone out there in Margaritaville,

And welcome to the latest edition of the blog–I hope that you all had a great Fourth of July this year…Many (if not most) of you are probably too young to remember the song “Your Cash Ain’t Nothin’ But Trash” by the Steve Miller Band (one of my favorites) however this morning while I was breaking down cardboard boxes and putting out the bottles and cans for recycling, it just sort of popped into my head.  Anyway, it got me thinking about just how much all of this junk might actually be worth?

In the old days, states used to put premiums of one to ten cents per bottle or can for recycling, redeemable at the grocery store.  This system seemed to me to work rather well and I don’t know why it wasn’t more widely adopted.  I’ve also known people who collect cardboard and sell it back to be reprocessed into various paper products, and remember being surprised at how much it was worth at the time–I guess like any other commodity the price rises and falls with demand, and due to current requirements for paper and cardboard to contain certain percentages of post-consumer waste, the demand tends to be high….

Regardless, just like the average rummage sale where your household items can sometimes bring surprising amounts of cash, many types of “garbage” can potentially be worth millions…Some see fossil fuels and chemical waste as being the primary problems that we have to deal with as a society, (and they are) but so are overpackaging and pollution caused by the primitive way that we dispose of most types of garbage (esp. water pollution).   I was recently watching a show on PBS called “System Crash” that dealt with the issues we face with an outdated and aging power grid, and one of the interesting things they showed was a car wash powered completely by hydrogen that was created as a waste by-product of a chemical reaction–this is the type of thinking that we need if we’re going to win at the pollution game!  

I also heard about some guys in CA that are converting diesel-powered vehicles to run on discarded vegetable oil reclaimed from restaurant fryers, etc.  The whole process costs less than a grand or so, and your exhaust will smell like fried chicken to boot!  It may sound silly to some of you, but the fact is that even used Frymax can be harmful to the environment in certain ways, but burning it to power your vehicle has virtually no negative environmental consequences, and you can still get to work…

Anyway kids, the point I’m making here is that the old ways aren’t sustainable and we need to adapt to a more sane, reasonable and modern approach, and if we can profit financially as a society in the process then so much the better!!!

Cheers,

Your friend and humble servant,

Jose’

Mayor of Margaritaville

Ditch Your Cell Phone and Run to the Mall–[Reverse Mullet Edition]

Yo Kids!  For those of you who hang out at the mall or virtually any public place in the good ole’ USA, (esp. the great state of Ky, where it was apparently invented/discovered, etc.) you probably already know what a “Mullet” is, but for those who don’t, I’ll try to explain it as best I can….So here it goes–Popularized in the 90′s, the mullet is a type of hairstyle popular with men from the ages of 17-50, where the hair on the front and sides of the head is cut short, yet the back is left shoulder-length or longer, thus giving the appearance of someone who hasn’t had a haircut in years but jumped out of the barber’s chair before the job was totally finished, for whatever reason…Often times you’ll notice a “poofy” or “spikey” component on the top, usually indicating that the owner of the mullet has made a significant investment in the hair gel industry…

Although it’s mostly a “guy thing” you’ll see one on a woman occaisionally, esp. female basketball players, for some unknown reason….Although there’ve been quite a few, perhaps the most famous practicioner of this particular hair style is none other than Billy Ray Cyrus, whom many of you younger pups may know as Hannah Montana’s daddy….Joe Dirt, a not-so-famous movie character played by David Spade of SNL fame, also sported a mullet.

To be honest, I have no real problem with the mullet per se, but what I do have issues with is a lil’ phenomenon I call the “Reverse Mullet” for lack of a better descriptor.    The reverse mullet is fairly prominent among the 40+ ex-hippie/rebel biker set, and consists of a long pony tail and little or no hair on top, and is particularly egregious when forced to view in public, trust me on this kids!!!

Now I know that you kids like to do crazy things with your hair sometimes, i.e. dye it stupid colors, spike it, shave it off completely, etc. and I don’t really have a problem with it, but the reverse mullet is a whole ‘nuther matter!!!

I’m also not fond of what I call the “half mullet” which is where the owner dumps an entire bottle of gel on the top of his head, resulting in a stiff, oily mess that attracts every form of flying insect imaginable, but has effectively no pony tail–probably the most well-known of the current practicioners of this hair “don’t” are guys like the “Situation” from the controversial faux-reality show “Jersey Shore”.

Starting to get my drift here kids? –Mallrats be vigilant, and you’ll start to see what I’m talkin’ ’bout!.. Anyway, just be careful with the aforementioned hair extremes because pony tails can get caught in moving machinery, and too much hair product can make you wind up like the King of Pop….Surfers don’t like to use hair gel anyway–it get’s in the eyes and can cause chemical burns, not to mention that it’s just plain bad for the environment!

Cheers kids!

Your friend,

Jose’

Mayor of Margaritaville

Ditch Your Cellphone and Run–[Mayan Calendar Edition]

Yo kids, what it be like?  If any of you (and by “you” I mean the 2 or 3 people who actually read this freakin’ blog) watch “Nat Geo” and the “Discovery Channel” in between reruns of Ronin, Waterworld, The Bourne Identity, and the Outlaw Josey Wales as I frequently do, then you know that we’re all in for some real fun in the next couple of years, regardless of what the stock market/economy does, at least according to “Them”…And by “all of us” I mean pretty much the whole world, but most especially North America, and by “Them” I mean the brain trust at NASA and NOAA, with backup coming from none other than the long dead Mayan civilization.  

Sounds pretty “Crayzay” right?  That’s what I thought to, at least in the beginning…It turns out that the Mayans were apparently very astronomically/astrologically astute, and were somehow able to somewhat acurately predict the future movements of the heavens without the use of telescopes/computers etc.  Apparently their calendar ends in 2012, and the reason for this has long been speculated upon, but some have suggested that it’s becaused they believed it was the date for “Armageddon” or whatever you want to call it…

Interestingly, some brains at NASA/NOAA have noticed what appears to be a correlation between the predictions of the Mayans and increased solar flare/storm activity over a projected three-year period starting in 2012.  Apparently there will be a very unusual “alignment” or whatever between our sun, the earth and a supposed “Dark Mass” that’s at the center of our galaxy.  Some say that this dark mass may be a black hole of some kind, and that this alignment may be what’s triggering the alleged events, although they also say that the Sun’s activity is cyclical and that increased bursts of electromagnetic radiation have happened at least a couple of times in recorded history.

Back then however, society wasn’t as reliant upon electronic technology in order to function, the way that we are today.  Of course the brains at NASA or whatever aren’t predicting massive physical destruction, however there’s at least a possiblity/likelihood that major systems like GPS/cell phone, internet and other land-based forms of mass communication, the power grid and water treatment facilities, etc. could be disrupted in fairly minor ways, or completely knocked out for extended periods, depending upon to whom one listens….Yikes!!!

My advice is to stock up on water, canned goods (use manual opener) and batteries, and start getting used to the idea of “Sone Age” living–i.e. no internet, iPhone and indoor plumbing etc. now, just in case…

Or if you live near the beach as I do, you can simply take a “chill pill”, throw another shrimp on the barbie,  learn how to make your own rum, put some Springsteen on the tunebox, relax and ride it out….Cheers!

Your friend and faithful servant,

Jose’

Mayor of Margaritaville